Very well put! This is how we have planned for our kids and so far it has helped avoid a lot of pain and drama! Our 3 eldest seem very level headed on matters of the opposite sex as well. Good job Cady!

I disagree. To recognize and resist our own temptation to overwhelmingly control and restrict our children's lives as they age, through both physical and psychological means, is not only difficult, but it robs them of growing into independence and responsibility, and it stifles their emotional development and maturity. There are all kinds of disappointments in life, not just in relationships. If anything, children should experience some heartbreaks. A childhood heartbreak is not a mistake, but a powerful life lesson. To learn that someone can break your heart teaches you much about vulnerability, humility and emotional healing. Teen breakups do not equate to divorce or teaching divorce. Though children need to make some mistakes along the way so they can learn consequences and learn to cope responsibly. Hardships in relationships not only teach compatibility issues, they teach compromise. Children and teens need regular interaction with members of the opposite sex (as well as people of different backgrounds and diverse cultures) so they can mature socially. Allow your children to experience love and disappointment, and they will be stronger, emotionally-stable, emotionally mature adults, better equipped to deal with real life disappointments and heartbreaks, among other things. Because life is sometimes painful, hopefully a child is fortunate enough to experience the full gamut of real human emotions before young adulthood. Your support of these experiences and their feelings will go a long way in building a strong trust between you and your child, which in turn will grow into a powerful, life-long parent-child relationship. Growing children need guidance and restrictions, but they also need gradually increasing freedom as they age, or else they will not know how to deal with total freedom once they leave the nest. Experience is gained, as is required, through on-the-job training, and it is, after all, the best teacher. Attempting to dominate, deflect or restrict human feelings is futile. Attempting to rescue your child from these experiences after the fact can be damaging. As children age, the trust and responsibility you show them should increase, and in turn it will be reciprocated. I cannot think of better qualities on which to build any relationship than trust, love and responsibility. These are Christian virtues.

The major problem with your reasoning the assumption that your childhood experiences are the same as everyone else's - that early in life your ill treatment of members of the opposite sex and the difficulty you experienced from relationships is somehow a common to all people of that age. It is not. We do not all have the same life experiences and we do not all deal with these situations poorly, or in the same way. And there are countless variables which determine why.

By nature, all teen relationships are unstable, and in time we learn that the emotional baggage and scars incurred are not really what we thought they were. It is through these that we learn and grow. So, if as you say, there are better, more constructive ways than experience to learn heartbreak, please tell us what they are. You have not done that.

No, I am not implying that trust, love and responsibility can be built on heartbreak and pain. Please reread my post. I am saying that through honesty and openness, a parent can help teach a child to successfully navigate life's storms. As well, a parent's misguidance in these situations, or lack thereof, can teach a child how to fail - perhaps that explains your childhood experiences with these types of situations. And there IS scientific evidence that children learn love, trust and responsibility through other relationships other than the ones with the adult influences in their lives. Absolutely. Have you ever heard of friends? Ever heard of pets? Common sense and personal experience with these types of relationships tells me they are great teachers of love, trust and responsibility and most, not all, of the learning comes through direct one on one experience. From the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:

"Advantages of Pet Ownership
Children raised with pets show many benefits. Developing positive feelings about pets can contribute to a child's self-esteem and self-confidence. Positive relationships with pets can aid in the development of trusting relationships with others. A good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion, and empathy. Pets can serve different purposes for children:

They can be safe recipients of secrets and private thoughts--children often talk to their pets, like they do their stuffed animals.
They provide lessons about life; reproduction, birth, illnesses, accidents, death, and bereavement.
They can help develop responsible behavior in the children who care for them.
They provide a connection to nature.
They can teach respect for other living things.
Other physical and emotional needs fulfilled by pet ownership include:
Physical activity
Comfort contact
Love, loyalty, and affection
Experience with loss if a pet is lost or dies.
Although most children are gentle and appropriate with pets, some may be overly rough or even abusive. If such behavior persists, it may be a sign of significant emotional problems. Any child who abuses, tortures or kills animals should be referred to a child and adolescent psychiatrist for a comprehensive evaluation."

If you believe you can raise a child without one ounce of emotional baggage, then not only are you mistaken, you are saying you are perfect. You are not perfect. And in attempting to do so you are setting your child up for a lifetime of issues.

Parenting requires a fine balance of rules and privileges, and labeling such structure as 'liberal' is as narrow-minded as your views above.

There is absolutely no statistical evidence that states allowing teens to date automatically leads to STDs, pregnancies, emotional baggage and scarring. There is absolutely no statistical studies showing allowing your teens to date leads to psychiatric, counseling and doctors offices becoming packed with physically and emotional damaged children. There is absolutely no statistical evidence supporting your insinuation that teen dating leads to antidepressants and other drugs. In fact, there is no statistical evidence to support any of your opinions - period.

Teenage sexuality is not just going to disappear because you try to discourage or prevent your child from dating. However, teaching your child to make good choices, educating them about real life, these things can make a difference. Here is more from the AACAP:

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/policy_statements/adolescent_pregnancy_prevention

Nowhere did I state I was in favor of teens engaging in sex, and nowhere did I state Christian virtues can be built on the failing principles of sin - nowhere. So how does your mind begin to twist my statements into such meaning?

You are in the business of control and fear. I pray for your mind to heal and your children to never be as close-minded as you are. Wake up to the realities of the US having the highest teen pregnancy rate in the entire modern world. Studies show that other countries deal with teen pregnancy prevention more successfully than the US. What are

I agree. You probably shouldn't have called my logic 'seriously flawed'. Take care.

If it helps, I am a twenty-one year old girl whose parents never allowed teenage dating - and I am very, very glad they did. I am happy to have a whole, undamaged heart to give to my soulmate - and grateful to learn from other people's mistakes instead of blindly blundering into my own. Life is the best teacher, but I think that in the vulnerable teen years, which are already so filled with other, unpreventable kinds of pain - learning how to deal with friendship, work and every other kind of pressure of adulthood, it's best to wait for emotional stability before beginning to date.

Hi Cady!
I am a family friend of your inlays. Just want you to know that I completely agree with you! Have you heard of Jonathon Lindvall? He is for no dating...only courtship. You can read his work at www.boldchristianliving.com. Love your paintings by the way:):)

My friend Liz D pointed me to your blog to read abt watercolor painting.

I have not read all the comments. My reactions are:

In the 1980s my father said I could not date until age 18. There was nothing he could do to prevent me from getting a crush on the neighborhood boy I'd been playing cops and robbers with for years innocently. The child play turned to hanging out and talking as a group of both genders, & we were at the same bus stop and rode the bus together. How can you keep the two genders apart?

Even homeschooled Christian kids often are with other genders, especially at church! I have heard stories of what goes on at middle school and high school church retreats (evangelical Christians). Girls in my youth group at church also told me what went on in 5th grade at the private co-ed Christian school! It is no different than public school!

Teens can do "dating things" even if they do not declare "we are dating" to their parents. A lot goes on with text messaging (hence my kids don't have it, they are boys aged 14 and 11 plus it is expensive and was not in the budget, and I want them to focus on learning (homeschooling) and not be interrupted every 15 seconds by a text saying not much of anything all day long).

Emotions just happen with puberty, you can't stop them. How can parents declare a teen is not to get involved emotionally? You can't stop them from being attracted to someone, liking them as a person and maybe getting those infatuation feelings.

Does encouraging a teen to shut off emotions that come naturally which are NOT under their control teach them to be closed off emotionally or to think that sexual attraction feelings are shameful or evil and also have that notion linked to their spirituality?

I am not into teen dating and I think now more than ever it treads dangerous territory, it seems there is no stigma on promiscuity among the mainstream and the influences in music, movies, TV, commercials, highway billboards, mall signs, etc etc

I am just saying how can you really prevent a kid of either gender from getting a crush on someone?

Anyhow it's healthy to keep busy with good endeavors. The kids I know who don't date are busy with Scouts, sports, and academic competitive teams. It is the kids who are hanging out doing nothing and trying to find a way to kill time that seem to get into dating early and also they are in line to experiment with drugs and alcohol also. So I say keep the kids busy but not so busy they are stressed out over-achievers.

One more thing I think biology is the issue here. Environmental factors have helped push puberty down to younger ages (some girls are 8 when they get their periods) yet we want our kids to not fall in love until after college (both genders). So they have the puberty urges pushing them to procreate as their body is ready at age 8-9-10-11-12-13-14, but our society wants them to wait to have babies until age 30 or older.

My great grandmother was 15 when she got married, eloping after falling in love and having a baby before she was 18. My mom was pregnant at 19 and deeply in love.

Oh, but we have the infertility drugs and expensive medical procedures now to use on the women who are 30, 35, 40 and older who finally are ready to have babies...is there is cost to this?

....and learning disabilities and autism is on the rise...there is no prenatal test for autism so the doctors are not advising to abort those babies yet, as they do with Down's Syndrome babies...35 and older women are at risk for Down's but no one talks much about it now...just get pregnant when YOU want and then we'll do an amnio and then abort the baby if it has it....

(of course women can refuse to abort a Down's baby).

I in 150 kids are being born with Autism. Is this the "new Down's"?

What are we turning into as a society?

I'm thinking if the way to have more healthy babies is procreate in the early 20s (as my generation usually was born to) then maybe we shoud encourage that.

Okay this was a long rant for a first blog comment but I couldn't help it...LOL

So magically after a child leaves their teens they are going to find "the one" without dating around and are somehow going to be immune to break-ups or heartache?

I never dated in my teens and I can assure it didn't make more MORE prepared for an adult relationship. It just delayed all of the processes that one has to go through when figuring out what you are looking for in a mate. I didn't start doing that until college, when the vast majority of my peers already had quite a bit of experience with relationships with the opposite sex. This put me at a disadvantage because I didn't know ANYTHING, and once you are in college the pressures of sex are MUCH more pronounced than when you are in high school! So I was trying to deal with all that without having ever even been on a date! I had no concept of how a guy was supposed to treat me, what I should expect, what I had the right to do, or anything.

You can't shield your kids from life, sorry. They will either 1) find a way to get around it behind your back, which will create alienation in your relationship rather than allowing them to turn to you for support and guidance; 2) be socially delayed from their peers and have difficulty adjusting to adulthood; 3)be socially delayed and swing in the opposite direction completely due to rebellion or newfound freedom they don't know how to deal with (this is what I did).

As another poster said, even if you don't allow them to date, you won't be able to stop them from being interested in the opposite sex once they hit puberty. If you somehow able to succeed at doing that, you would be creating a maladjusted child that would be markedly LESS likely to be able to form solid adult relationships.

I'm all for keeping your child safe and doing your best to keep them from tempting and unsafe situations, but the fact is you can't orbit your child 24/7. IMO, the best thing you can do is instill in them the moral foundation so that they can make their own choices wisely once they hit adolescence and begin the natural and healthy evolution into an adult who is separate from you. To each his own, but I feel really sorry for your kids because you seem completely out of touch with reality.

Yes, I have a daughter.