Why my kiddos aren't going to date......

12/13/2011

I've been doing a great deal of thinking, reading, gathering of opinions about dating lately. Chloe is approaching her teens at light speed, so this is a subject that we need to consider and plan for soon.

From all of the books on the subject that I've read, we have come to the decision that we are going to encourage our children to NOT date until they are of marriageable age. Here's what I'm thinking...there are TONS of pros to this philosophy and not really any cons....it's a win/win in my opinion.

Back in the time, dating or courtship was reserved for when a young man or woman was in the market for a spouse. Children did NOT date, have boyfriends, girlfriends or romantic relationships of any kind. It was unheard of. Our forefathers would have laughed in disbelief at how foolishly we treat this subject of children dating just for the sake of dating.

Here's my issue with children who "date" or "go steady" before they are adults. They are practicing for divorce. Think about it. When I was a teenager, I had many boyfriends, I got my heart broken many times, I dumped many boyfriends when I became tired of them, it depressed me and caused me to be tempted physically and to sin. I didn't have the cognitive ability nor the maturity to deal with a relationship and love in a mature way because I was a child with a child's mind and ways.

If we allow our kids to leap in and out of dating relationships all through their teen years, how can we expect them to get married as an adult and remain in the marriage for better or for worse? Teens are practicing for divorce through repeatedly "falling in love" (not really understanding what true love is) having fun, tiring or becoming bored and then ditching the person.

And this is only one of the issues with teens dating! There's the problem of STD's, teen pregnancy, emotional baggage, broken hearts, inability to love maturely, depression, etc.....I could go on and on! Our kids just don't need that kind of pressure when they are growing up. Allow them to be children without all of the adult issues that we have to deal with. Those will come soon enough.

I've already had several chats with Chloe about dating, saving herself, enjoying her teen years with just being friends with boys without all of the pressure. She's fine with it....so far. I realize that we're not that far into her teen years yet, so it's going to have to be an ongoing process to resist what is going on all around her.

Anything that we practice in life over and over we are going to become good at, right? Why do we allow our children to practice "breaking up" with people over and over? We are setting them up for failure when the real thing comes along. They aren't practicing true love and commitment which involves working through problems with a spouse, forgiving, loving your spouse with all of their flaws, serving through sicknesses and times that aren't fun. No, a teen will generally bail when the going gets tough in a relationship and they will do this over and over and over for years!

Then, when they meet "the one" as adults, they deeply struggle with commitment. Our marriage counselors' offices are packed and our divorce courts can't keep up with the workload! The habits of shallowly falling in love and bailing will follow them throughout their lives.

If they've practiced for divorce all through their teens, we can't expect them to remain in a faithful long term "til death do us part" marriage.

Let's begin to set the stage for success in this area. I'm going to let my teens follow their dreams, be who they want to be, travel, study, have great times with their friends....but I'm going to allow them to be kids and not be pressured with adult issues until they are adults and ready.

Let's let our kids be kids. It's a precious time that they can never regain.

Comments

Mauntie

12/13/2011 07:19

Very well put! This is how we have planned for our kids and so far it has helped avoid a lot of pain and drama! Our 3 eldest seem very level headed on matters of the opposite sex as well. Good job Cady!

Mark

12/13/2011 10:07

Could not agree more - we have already started talking to our boys about dating, and believe they should not date until they have finished their education, have a stable income, the capacity to marry and provide for their spouse and children. As a parent of boys, it is suprising how much less the topic is considered when compared with girls. I want these boys to be strong Christian men working in a way that satisfies their spirit. Leaders prepared to care for themselves, their wives and their family - not walking out consequences I could have helped them avoid.

Jeff

12/20/2011 17:52

I disagree. To recognize and resist our own temptation to overwhelmingly control and restrict our children's lives as they age, through both physical and psychological means, is not only difficult, but it robs them of growing into independence and responsibility, and it stifles their emotional development and maturity. There are all kinds of disappointments in life, not just in relationships. If anything, children should experience some heartbreaks. A childhood heartbreak is not a mistake, but a powerful life lesson. To learn that someone can break your heart teaches you much about vulnerability, humility and emotional healing. Teen breakups do not equate to divorce or teaching divorce. Though children need to make some mistakes along the way so they can learn consequences and learn to cope responsibly. Hardships in relationships not only teach compatibility issues, they teach compromise. Children and teens need regular interaction with members of the opposite sex (as well as people of different backgrounds and diverse cultures) so they can mature socially. Allow your children to experience love and disappointment, and they will be stronger, emotionally-stable, emotionally mature adults, better equipped to deal with real life disappointments and heartbreaks, among other things. Because life is sometimes painful, hopefully a child is fortunate enough to experience the full gamut of real human emotions before young adulthood. Your support of these experiences and their feelings will go a long way in building a strong trust between you and your child, which in turn will grow into a powerful, life-long parent-child relationship. Growing children need guidance and restrictions, but they also need gradually increasing freedom as they age, or else they will not know how to deal with total freedom once they leave the nest. Experience is gained, as is required, through on-the-job training, and it is, after all, the best teacher. Attempting to dominate, deflect or restrict human feelings is futile. Attempting to rescue your child from these experiences after the fact can be damaging. As children age, the trust and responsibility you show them should increase, and in turn it will be reciprocated. I cannot think of better qualities on which to build any relationship than trust, love and responsibility. These are Christian virtues.

Cady

12/20/2011 19:15

Jeff,

Thank you for your input. I can respect your opinions on child rearing, but I would like to point out that parents who feel it is wise to guide their children carefully through their teen years in regards to relationships are certainly not "controlling and restricting through physical and psychological means". That is a bit extreme.

I don't believe that teens need to experience hardships and heartbreaks through unstable teen relationships to learn compatibility and compromise. There are many, many other more constructive ways for them to learn these valuable lessons without risking permanent damage through STD's, pregnancies and emotional baggage and scars.

It seems as if you are implying that the foundation of trust, love and responsibility can be built successfully on heartbreak, pain, betrayal, etc. This seems backwards to me. Any child that learns love, trust and responsibility will learn it through the adult influences in his life. There is absolutely zero scientific evidence that shows otherwise.

In fact, our psychiatric offices, school counseling offices and doctors' offices are packed with damaged children who are both physically scarred and emotionally scarred through this liberal philosophy of raising children. A large percentage of our teens take antidepressants and other drugs so that they can simply cope with lives that have become out of control for them.

The bar has been set way too low in the area of teen relationships. The evidence is all around us.

Isn't it time that we re-vamped how we treat teenage relationships and sexuality? Right now we are failing the next generation.

I fear, sir, that your logic is severely flawed. Yes, love, trust and responsibility are Christian virtues, but you'll find nowhere in the Bible that they can be successfully built on practicing the failing principles of sin.

12/20/2011 21:33

The major problem with your reasoning the assumption that your childhood experiences are the same as everyone else's - that early in life your ill treatment of members of the opposite sex and the difficulty you experienced from relationships is somehow a common to all people of that age. It is not. We do not all have the same life experiences and we do not all deal with these situations poorly, or in the same way. And there are countless variables which determine why.

By nature, all teen relationships are unstable, and in time we learn that the emotional baggage and scars incurred are not really what we thought they were. It is through these that we learn and grow. So, if as you say, there are better, more constructive ways than experience to learn heartbreak, please tell us what they are. You have not done that.

No, I am not implying that trust, love and responsibility can be built on heartbreak and pain. Please reread my post. I am saying that through honesty and openness, a parent can help teach a child to successfully navigate life's storms. As well, a parent's misguidance in these situations, or lack thereof, can teach a child how to fail - perhaps that explains your childhood experiences with these types of situations. And there IS scientific evidence that children learn love, trust and responsibility through other relationships other than the ones with the adult influences in their lives. Absolutely. Have you ever heard of friends? Ever heard of pets? Common sense and personal experience with these types of relationships tells me they are great teachers of love, trust and responsibility and most, not all, of the learning comes through direct one on one experience. From the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:

"Advantages of Pet Ownership
Children raised with pets show many benefits. Developing positive feelings about pets can contribute to a child's self-esteem and self-confidence. Positive relationships with pets can aid in the development of trusting relationships with others. A good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion, and empathy. Pets can serve different purposes for children:

They can be safe recipients of secrets and private thoughts--children often talk to their pets, like they do their stuffed animals.
They provide lessons about life; reproduction, birth, illnesses, accidents, death, and bereavement.
They can help develop responsible behavior in the children who care for them.
They provide a connection to nature.
They can teach respect for other living things.
Other physical and emotional needs fulfilled by pet ownership include:
Physical activity
Comfort contact
Love, loyalty, and affection
Experience with loss if a pet is lost or dies.
Although most children are gentle and appropriate with pets, some may be overly rough or even abusive. If such behavior persists, it may be a sign of significant emotional problems. Any child who abuses, tortures or kills animals should be referred to a child and adolescent psychiatrist for a comprehensive evaluation."

If you believe you can raise a child without one ounce of emotional baggage, then not only are you mistaken, you are saying you are perfect. You are not perfect. And in attempting to do so you are setting your child up for a lifetime of issues.

Parenting requires a fine balance of rules and privileges, and labeling such structure as 'liberal' is as narrow-minded as your views above.

There is absolutely no statistical evidence that states allowing teens to date automatically leads to STDs, pregnancies, emotional baggage and scarring. There is absolutely no statistical studies showing allowing your teens to date leads to psychiatric, counseling and doctors offices becoming packed with physically and emotional damaged children. There is absolutely no statistical evidence supporting your insinuation that teen dating leads to antidepressants and other drugs. In fact, there is no statistical evidence to support any of your opinions - period.

Teenage sexuality is not just going to disappear because you try to discourage or prevent your child from dating. However, teaching your child to make good choices, educating them about real life, these things can make a difference. Here is more from the AACAP:

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/policy_statements/adolescent_pregnancy_prevention

Nowhere did I state I was in favor of teens engaging in sex, and nowhere did I state Christian virtues can be built on the failing principles of sin - nowhere. So how does your mind begin to twist my statements into such meaning?

You are in the business of control and fear. I pray for your mind to heal and your children to never be as close-minded as you are. Wake up to the realities of the US having the highest teen pregnancy rate in the entire modern world. Studies show that other countries deal with teen pregnancy prevention more successfully than the US. What are

12/21/2011 05:50

Dear Jeff,

This might just have to be an issue that we'll have to agree to disagree on. I can appreciate a healthy and respectful debate about a subject, however, I did delete your latest comment b/c personal attacks are completely uncalled for on this blog.

I do appreciate your child raising views and thank you for reading this blog, but we obviously have some major differences in our philosophies.

I have just finished reading a few books on the subject by some respected authors and doctors. One book is The Hurried Child by David Elkind, Ph.D and A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit. Wendy has also written Girls Gone Mild, a wonderful though provoking book on returning to traditional values.

Anyhow, I don't wish to be heated in this argument and I hope you have a lovely holiday.

Kind Regards,

Cady

12/21/2011 06:54

I agree. You probably shouldn't have called my logic 'seriously flawed'. Take care.

12/21/2011 07:19

I do sincerely apologize. :) It is very easy to sit behind a keyboard and not realize that the one to whom one is addressing is an intelligent person who simply cares for the welfare of their family and desires something better than the status quo.

I appreciate your insight, Jeff, b/c you had some thought provoking points.

As a blogger, intelligent debate is wonderful b/c it enhances the discussion and causes readers to think seriously about both sides of important issues.

I dislike vitriolic comments on blogs b/c I feel that it negates one's point of view when one simply attacks someone for thinking differently. Sometimes it's easy to cross that line. The reminder to stay away from that line is good.

Thank you! :)

Shelley link

12/30/2011 15:45

If it helps, I am a twenty-one year old girl whose parents never allowed teenage dating - and I am very, very glad they did. I am happy to have a whole, undamaged heart to give to my soulmate - and grateful to learn from other people's mistakes instead of blindly blundering into my own. Life is the best teacher, but I think that in the vulnerable teen years, which are already so filled with other, unpreventable kinds of pain - learning how to deal with friendship, work and every other kind of pressure of adulthood, it's best to wait for emotional stability before beginning to date.

01/22/2012 15:20

Thanks, Shelley....it sounds as if you really have your priorities in order. It's encouraging and refreshing to see a young person who is secure enough in who they are not bowing to the pressures of the majority.

Stacey link

12/27/2011 14:49

Hi Cady!
I am a family friend of your inlays. Just want you to know that I completely agree with you! Have you heard of Jonathon Lindvall? He is for no dating...only courtship. You can read his work at www.boldchristianliving.com. Love your paintings by the way:):)

12/27/2011 16:45

Thanks, Stacey...I'll have to check it out. :)

ChristineMM link

12/28/2011 08:16

My friend Liz D pointed me to your blog to read abt watercolor painting.

I have not read all the comments. My reactions are:

In the 1980s my father said I could not date until age 18. There was nothing he could do to prevent me from getting a crush on the neighborhood boy I'd been playing cops and robbers with for years innocently. The child play turned to hanging out and talking as a group of both genders, & we were at the same bus stop and rode the bus together. How can you keep the two genders apart?

Even homeschooled Christian kids often are with other genders, especially at church! I have heard stories of what goes on at middle school and high school church retreats (evangelical Christians). Girls in my youth group at church also told me what went on in 5th grade at the private co-ed Christian school! It is no different than public school!

Teens can do "dating things" even if they do not declare "we are dating" to their parents. A lot goes on with text messaging (hence my kids don't have it, they are boys aged 14 and 11 plus it is expensive and was not in the budget, and I want them to focus on learning (homeschooling) and not be interrupted every 15 seconds by a text saying not much of anything all day long).

Emotions just happen with puberty, you can't stop them. How can parents declare a teen is not to get involved emotionally? You can't stop them from being attracted to someone, liking them as a person and maybe getting those infatuation feelings.

Does encouraging a teen to shut off emotions that come naturally which are NOT under their control teach them to be closed off emotionally or to think that sexual attraction feelings are shameful or evil and also have that notion linked to their spirituality?

I am not into teen dating and I think now more than ever it treads dangerous territory, it seems there is no stigma on promiscuity among the mainstream and the influences in music, movies, TV, commercials, highway billboards, mall signs, etc etc

I am just saying how can you really prevent a kid of either gender from getting a crush on someone?

Anyhow it's healthy to keep busy with good endeavors. The kids I know who don't date are busy with Scouts, sports, and academic competitive teams. It is the kids who are hanging out doing nothing and trying to find a way to kill time that seem to get into dating early and also they are in line to experiment with drugs and alcohol also. So I say keep the kids busy but not so busy they are stressed out over-achievers.

One more thing I think biology is the issue here. Environmental factors have helped push puberty down to younger ages (some girls are 8 when they get their periods) yet we want our kids to not fall in love until after college (both genders). So they have the puberty urges pushing them to procreate as their body is ready at age 8-9-10-11-12-13-14, but our society wants them to wait to have babies until age 30 or older.

My great grandmother was 15 when she got married, eloping after falling in love and having a baby before she was 18. My mom was pregnant at 19 and deeply in love.

Oh, but we have the infertility drugs and expensive medical procedures now to use on the women who are 30, 35, 40 and older who finally are ready to have babies...is there is cost to this?

....and learning disabilities and autism is on the rise...there is no prenatal test for autism so the doctors are not advising to abort those babies yet, as they do with Down's Syndrome babies...35 and older women are at risk for Down's but no one talks much about it now...just get pregnant when YOU want and then we'll do an amnio and then abort the baby if it has it....

(of course women can refuse to abort a Down's baby).

I in 150 kids are being born with Autism. Is this the "new Down's"?

What are we turning into as a society?

I'm thinking if the way to have more healthy babies is procreate in the early 20s (as my generation usually was born to) then maybe we shoud encourage that.

Okay this was a long rant for a first blog comment but I couldn't help it...LOL

12/28/2011 09:34

Thanks for your perspective, Christine....I agree that keeping kids busy and out of trouble is a good solution. That and lots of prayer. :)

Thanks for reading and taking the time to respond.

Cady

melissa

01/18/2012 09:04

So magically after a child leaves their teens they are going to find "the one" without dating around and are somehow going to be immune to break-ups or heartache?

I never dated in my teens and I can assure it didn't make more MORE prepared for an adult relationship. It just delayed all of the processes that one has to go through when figuring out what you are looking for in a mate. I didn't start doing that until college, when the vast majority of my peers already had quite a bit of experience with relationships with the opposite sex. This put me at a disadvantage because I didn't know ANYTHING, and once you are in college the pressures of sex are MUCH more pronounced than when you are in high school! So I was trying to deal with all that without having ever even been on a date! I had no concept of how a guy was supposed to treat me, what I should expect, what I had the right to do, or anything.

You can't shield your kids from life, sorry. They will either 1) find a way to get around it behind your back, which will create alienation in your relationship rather than allowing them to turn to you for support and guidance; 2) be socially delayed from their peers and have difficulty adjusting to adulthood; 3)be socially delayed and swing in the opposite direction completely due to rebellion or newfound freedom they don't know how to deal with (this is what I did).

As another poster said, even if you don't allow them to date, you won't be able to stop them from being interested in the opposite sex once they hit puberty. If you somehow able to succeed at doing that, you would be creating a maladjusted child that would be markedly LESS likely to be able to form solid adult relationships.

I'm all for keeping your child safe and doing your best to keep them from tempting and unsafe situations, but the fact is you can't orbit your child 24/7. IMO, the best thing you can do is instill in them the moral foundation so that they can make their own choices wisely once they hit adolescence and begin the natural and healthy evolution into an adult who is separate from you. To each his own, but I feel really sorry for your kids because you seem completely out of touch with reality.

mariana

04/14/2012 19:32

Hi Melissa,

Okay, so I'm only 18 - still a child - but I can't agree with what you just said.

First, I'd like to address your question - when you said, "So magically after a child leaves their teens they are going to find "the one" without dating around and are somehow going to be immune to break-ups or heartache?" Why do you act like it's something that is impossible? Of course we can find our Mr./Mrs. Right without having to date. All we (as young men and women) need to do is look around us. Do we want the kind of guy who mistreats us and is only interested in our sacred parts or do we want the one who really loves us for who we are on the inside? Do boys want to marry a skank or do boys want to marry a real woman with integrity and high values? Um...and if we don't date doesn't that mean that break-ups and heartbreak won't happen?

Onto your next point when you said "no dating" didn't prepare you for an adult relationship. I'm not dating, but I sure know what kind of man I'm looking for. I mean, they're right there in your field of view, and that's what parents are for too! You ask them questions about things you don't understand. Or if not, then go to someone with REAL wisdom, and the reason why your peers may have had all that "experience" was because they made all the wrong choices, and were having sex before they were even ready. Now I won't get too into that, but yea.

She's not shielding her daughter, but rather showing her "the way in wich she should go", because she loves her and doesn't want to see her get hurt, but some punk. My mom and dad do the exact same thing, and I am perfectly fine. Yes, I lied to them, and did things I shouldn't have, but after making those stupid mistakes they TRIED to tell me to not to make, I knew that my parents weren't trying to spoil my fun or whatever people want to call it. They were protecting me from things I could have avoided so I could just keep on being happy. Socially delayed? Um...not really, because I have some pretty solid friendships and connections with a TON of other teens and adults.

Anyways, I'm not attacking you or anything, just giving you my thoughts on the matter. I was a little angry, but please, I'm not here to bash you on the head.

Thank you. :-)

01/18/2012 09:19

Sooo, let me just ask you this, my friend....who insists I'm "out of touch with reality"...do you have children yet?

01/19/2012 15:12

Yes, I have a daughter.

cady

01/22/2012 15:23

Well, I can respect you in the way that you raise your daughter and maybe you can do the same for me! :)

Riley

01/22/2012 14:31

Reading your article it seems like you think all that you think dating at a young age is just going to lead to, "the problem of STD's, teen pregnancy, emotional baggage, broken hearts, inability to love maturely, depression, etc." But it seems like you are seeing dating as a purely relationship thing. But to have a 'date' informally means "a social or romantic appointment or engagement". A teen should be allowed to go out on a date without automatically assuming that he or she will be having sex or even kissing on the first time out with the opposite sex. One of my close female friends dated in high school yet she never felt depressed after a break up, never participated in sexual activities (other than kissing), and sure hasn't shown any signs of not being able to love properly. You say clearly that you had relationships in your teens, but that didn't prevent you from finding your husband. Why should you deny your child the experience of being a teenager?

I am not saying that dating should come in your freshman year of high school either. Just the pressure to or not to date shouldn't be the focus. I grew up in a household that put no restrictions on when I could or couldn't date. Now this didn't make me totally boy crazy or lust after every boy that hung out with my one on one. My first relationship didn't come about until my junior year of high school without this pressure. He dated around before me, but I didn't. Yet, we have both stayed together. Loving him means that I am accepting all of him (his clinical depression, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, sleep apnia, allergies to almost every fruit and vegetable, past relationships, and all). Just because I am a certain age does not mean that I should not deny love when God presents it. I am so blessed to be able to have found quite a love. If I deny love because I want to wait to be financially stable or because society says that I must be a certain age then I am denying God's gift.

Which is what catches me off guard on one of your comments. Your post mainly focuses on not dating until they are ready to marry, but in one of your comments you are bashing the 'liberal philosophy' for packing psychiatric offices. It really breaks my heart because my still boyfriend was raised in a very conservative household, yet he has many clinical problems. He in no ways wants to take the medications prescribed to him because of their effects of just leveling him out. In fact, I know a number of other school friends who have had to take Ritalin or Prozac, but don't want to because of their altering ways. These mental diseases are not just something that come about because kids can't cope. Problems in no way arise just from young people dating alone. There are countless other factors that go into these conditions.

Back to the dating subject, though. I am curious to hear what 'marriageable' age is? Because I don't think that at all can be defined. When a child leaves the nest they could very well date without you having a clue, they could get into the cycle of breaking up and seeing leaving when the going gets tough as a viable option in their lives. Just because it is practiced in the household doesn't mean those rules are going to carry onto adulthood.

I believe strongly in the teaching of love and the forms it comes in. Learning about the Agape, Eros and Philia loves when I was growing up really showed me what a real relationship would look like. It was knowing what to look for in a relationship that helped me build a strong one.

Yes, every parent wants to protect their child and that is totally respectable. I just feel as though a younger voice could bring about at least some small reasoning in that you may be shouldn't be pressuring your children into dating or not dating. Yes, in school this stuff is already happening at young age but perhaps instead of setting rules their should be a discussion of what 'true love' looks like.

01/22/2012 15:17

This seems to be quite the hot topic! Look, I realize that there are numerous exceptions and "stories" of what happened to this person or that person, etc. We could debate this until the cows come home. Nobody is being harmed by teaching or encouraging a child to just wait a bit....for more maturity.

These are big decisions that we are putting on our children and many times, kids aren't emotionally prepared to deal with "love" in that way. Where's the harm in saying "wait for it"?

Yes, yes, I anticipate that somebody will pull some nutcase super strict family out of the bag as an example, but I'm speaking in GENERAL terms here. There will always be extreme examples on either side of any debate.

If you're really interested in finding out more about how we "hurry" our children into adult situations, check out The Hurried Child. It's an excellent read with many statistically researched arguments.

And really, people....is it really that huge of a deal how I decide to raise my kids? Is it really worth all of the insults and emotion that has been thrown out on this blog? Can't we all agree that we have different beliefs and different ways of raising children? Nobody is putting their kids in a closet and sliding food under the door....lol

All I was observing in my blog post was that maybe we're doing this wrong....going about it wrong...with 13 year olds dating....our teen pregnancy rate is terrible in this country. No, please don't quote all of the teen preg rates in all the other countries...I'm just saying that maybe it's time to slow our kids down a bit and let them enjoy their teens and pursue their interests and save serious relationships for when they are mentally and emotionally prepared.

It might be a different age depending on the child's maturity and the child.

That's all!

samantha

03/16/2012 09:21

I didn't grow up in an orverly strict household. My mother's emphasis was never on boys or sex, but education. She encouraged my love of reading and writing. We enjoy a close, open, and honest relationship. I have never felt that if I had a problem with something, that I could NOT talk to her about it.

I think that is what some of the underlying problem is. Too many mothers- and even educators- are more worried about being seen as "not cool" than laying out and adhering some basic guidelines that are just plain common sense.

Also, I think many adults are losing sight of the fact that during the years of adolescence, a person is going through a hormonal railroading of sorts. In every relationship, in order for it to work, there has to be some pre- set understanding of what each person expects of the other and learning how to compromise.

This is especially so when it comes to the parent- child relationship. While I do not have children, I am a daughter, and that, I think, lend my insight some credency on this subject.

My mother never tried to be my best friend. She made it absolutely clear to me what her role in my life was. She was able- don't ask me how- to strike that fine balance between mom and confident.

I've also meant a lot of girls who never had a positive father figure in their earlier years which made them look for that kind of strong male presence in the wrong places. Their mothers ended up trying to over- compensate for this due to a deep sense of guilt for not being able to give their daughters that father figure, even though it wasn't necessarily their fault.

I agree that letting a kid just be a kid without pressuring them into anything is the most sensible course to take. However, just as no person has the exact same body shape, no one matures at the same psychological pace. Keeping the lines of communication open is, I think, the best thing a parent can do. Even if your teenager rolls her eyes at you (I did A LOT of that!) she is still listening.

The world is big, bright, and beautiful, but if it has the ability to confound us adults, then think just how confusing to a teenager who, besides the fear of rejection and being unpopular, has the added pressure of trying to figure out what it is their bodies want and how to interpret that in up in their heads.

For me, being a teenager, was the worst. I'd look at my body and think that it didn't belong to me. In my head I was still a ten to eleven year old kid. But the mirror was telling me something completely different. I had a boy once stare at my breasts and turn to his friend to announce that he was ready for sex. I wasn't proud of that. I was mortified and deeply embarrassed.

But having a Mom I could turn to and talk to, cry on, and even dump on, made all the difference. She once said that education was the one thing that no one could take away from me. To this day, I find those words to be very true.

In conclusion, if your child asks you about something that you may not be ready to talk about, don't talk. Just listen. Keep an open heart and a cool head. Because we all mature at our own pace, but to help us do that, we all can learn something about ourselves by listening to others with prior, and even different, experiences.
Sorry about the lengthy diatribe!

P.S. It sounds to me as though you have an open and honest relationship you have with your daughter that you had mentioned in your article. As long as you keep checking in with her, she'll know that you care about her and that's all that matters.

Beth

01/25/2012 16:36

Hi Cady,
I'm a youth leader in her 20's from NZ with a teenage sister. I am part way through A Return to Modesty, and I agree whole-heartedly with what I have read. And searching more about Wendy Shalit led me to your blog.

I see so many young girls who are badly damadged by bad break ups. When I was at school there was a wave of girls who began cutting themselves in order to guilt their boyfriends back. Now I see many of my sister's friends following similar (though, less physically harmful) measures. I counsel many young girls through tearful breakups, and I see very little need for the risk they tae getting involved so young. The girls who seem most content are a small group of girls who, with their parents' support, have decided to delay dating untill they begin university. There is a great difference between encouragement and support, and pressure. Unfortunately, I think many people will (and have, as I read above) missunderstand your position.

Tammy link

03/25/2012 13:02

I agree with 100%! We have 3 girls (15, 13 and 8). We've also said "NO" to dating. We're open to courtship-old fashioned courtship-later on. That would be to have the guy over to our house with our whole family. We'd have family time together and get to know each other. I believe the teenage years can be so difficult without involving time alone with hormones and the opposite sex. What is courting (or dating ) for? To find a spouse. It's not about having a good time physically. Giving your heart away and having it broken time after time is not beneficial, in my opinion.

Mariana

04/14/2012 19:07

Dear Cady,

Now, I'm only 18 - still a child - but what you're saying is 100% true. I mean yea, of course we must learn things and make mistakes in order to grow into fine young adults, but that doesn't mean out parents cannot continue to help us. Especially with boys, and dating. As a girl, it's hard not to fall into temptations in wanting to "do the wrong thing", but with the guidance of my parents, I'm okay.

Anyways I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I'm actually doing an essay on modesty and found you on "modestly yours". I love Mrs. Shalit and am reading her book right now! I also just finished reading "Every Young Woman's Battle" by Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Arterburn, and I have to say it's pretty straight forward. Well, please continue on with fighting for the happiness of your children.

Sincerely,

Mariana

nickole

07/31/2012 07:16

I disagree. though i see your point, i believe children should be allowed to grow up and make their own decisions. instead of discouraging relationships with boys, you should ENCOURAGE a strong, open relationship between you and your child. i am eighteen, and when i was fifteen, i had a friend who was not allowed to have boyfriends. instead, behind her mothers back, she began dating a pothead with many emotional problems and anger issues, and two months into the relationship, they snuck out and slept together. a few months after that, he cheated on her with her friend. My friend couldnt talk to her mom about what happened, and went through major emotional withdraw because she had nowhere to turn.
Know that even though you tell your children not to date, they are rebellious. they'll do what they want, whether you know about it or not.
Just tell your daughter she can come to you with problems, explain sex and birth control very frankly to her, and let her know that she will make mistakes, and that no matter what happens, you'll always love her

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Why my kiddos aren't going to date......

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